I'm at work, and I'm really struggling to be productive. I'm tired, which never helps, but more significantly, I realise I'm coming to some sort of tipping point regarding my professional life. For around ten years, I've been trying to do the responsible, corporate thing. Trying to find a job where I fit in, where I feel capable and competent and challenged and engaged, and I simply haven't found a niche that is me-shaped. Whenever I hear about people keen to return to their work after having a child, it just boggles me.
It's not that I have a Bad Job - far from it. It's just that, beyond my general wish to do good, professional work and not let anyone down, I'm totally indifferent to it. I do not, in the vernacular, give a crap. I am not interested in my 'career'; I do not want to advance my prospects. I don't want to 'graduate' into management.
But the big problem here is that the world is full of things about which I really do care, about which I am truly passionate.
If I had no driving passions, no wish to do anything else in particular, I'd be happy enough to plug away at my desk for 37.5 hours per week, collect my pay cheque and relax for the rest of my waking hours. Unfortunately, that's not me. I cannot be that person; I am starting to realise that I cannot be happy pretending to be that person.
I'm hoping to agree part-time hours with my employer in the near future. I'd ideally like to go down to three days per week, but I think they are likely to hold out for four. I really don't know if that will make enough of a difference to me.
One final note: I do, honestly, realise just how lucky I am to be able to even contemplate voluntary part-time working in our current economy.
Please, no comments encouraging me to 'be happy with what I have' or 'look on the bright side'. Believe me, if it were that easy, I would already be there.